Should you (not) talk to strangers?
An analysis of why parents tell their kids to distrust everyone
Don’t talk to strangers. You don’t know their intentions.
I lived most part of my childhood holding this advice close to my heart. Yet over time, especially in the recent past, my experiences have made me reconsider this statement and try to understand the root fear that is associated with it. Let us try to simulate a thought experiment and see where does that lead.
My childhood
As a school student, I rarely ever travelled without someone with whom I was familiar — let alone travel by myself. I was fortunate to be born in to a family that was financially stable, and abundantly blessed with resources.
The good side was that I had a very comfortable life of travelling from point A to point B in a car with a trust worthy driver. On the flip side, however, while my friends were travelling in the public bus, the very thought about it felt scary even in high school.
I was not quite a city explorer as a child. It partly had to do with the fact that I would quite often fall sick thus would not try to get out of my routine steps of life. For most part, my routine was studies, play video games, occasionally visit family and out of the blue events. Looking back, most of it was quite predictable.
Reading all this you might think my parents pampered me extremely by cutting out the hardship phases that solidifies a child's core and makes the transition into adulthood less strained. I felt the same at a point in my life — argued at length with them telling them how my friends move fearlessly while my heart still skips a beat each time I try to do something similar (even crossing a road with heavy traffic).
But now when I think again, I understand why they did what they did. Unlike me, they had a very different upbringing. My Dad is from a semi-urban background while my Mom from a city several miles away from ancestry. They went through hardships, realized the comforts of stable life that they did not quite get and wished that their children did not miss it.
But still, it does not justify over-caring and the livelihood free of hardships that I (claimed to) have. Whenever I raised an argument about the matter of being transported by driver rather than public transport, the reply I received was along these two points:
- There are many people who wish to have the convenience you get. Why are you complaining about it?
- If you are given the resources and can very well use it, why settle for less just to be at par with the majority?
I always disliked the vibes I received from those who looked at me as being rich or successful due to the easy life I had in contrast with most of the rest.
For example, I used to feel very shy about revealing my Play Station Portable to my friends because I knew they would think I am flexing it and would call me a show-off. At times, it felt good to see someone doing better than me, even if it was marginally better because that meant I wasn’t at the end of the spectrum.
My college days
However, I have significantly deviated from the subject matter of this write up. My point is, my life was comfortable and I was not happy about that.
On one hand, I wanted to have a change — face the challenges that most others experienced. But when they popped up, I was unprepared and would crib for the comfortable path that I was used to. It was like this paradox where no matter what you try, you end in the same state.
Well, when I joined University for my engineering course, this started to change. My parents finally let me take some risk. It took me a few bus rides to eventually gain confidence to travel on my own. In the initial days, my throat would run dry when it was time to talk to the bus conductor as I was afraid of saying something wrong and being ridiculed or, even worse, scolded at. The fear of failure deprived me of trying in the first place.
A few more months in, I began to be more independent. I was alright in staying back after college as I knew how to get back home on my own. My reliance on Uber rides kept decreasing as my confidence to read the local language sign boards on buses kept improving.
It was at some point during this transition that I looked back and realized what exposure I missed out living a comfortable carefree life. Sure, travelling by the bus is tiring, exhaustive and sweaty — not to mention people can be rude, indecent and outright weird. Yet, this is an experience one must have to appreciate the alternative — a carefree ride by a driver.
My Dad keeps saying this:
You should learn from others mistakes, because they lost something to have the realization and you don’t have to suffer the same way if you understand why it happened in the first place.
The problem is you don’t understand the hardships of travelling by bus unless you actually, physically do (Note: As of the day of writing of this article, Virtual Reality Technology has not significantly developed to induce experiences from mere simulations). My parents felt for a kid who falls sick quite often, this was not an experience worth taking at a young age and so deprived me of the understanding for their actions.
Today if I asked them, they would say: Well, now you understand it and that's all that matters in the end.
From my parents point of view, they kept aside the task of replying to my regular queries about why they are not letting me struggle because they had faith that one day, I would be mature to understand it all and so it is alright.
But from my point of view, I oppose my Dad’s advice. I feel it is important that some mistakes must be made on a repetitive basis. You cannot learn from others decisions because you do not fully comprehend his/her mental state and so cannot equate your understanding to theirs.
Don’t take me for being blind to good advice though. If someone says crossing the road without looking left or right is a bad idea, I probably would not say I need to experience it to verify the statement — because I know that would get me killed. There are scenarios where my Dads advice is obviously correct but I am talking about the less obvious ones — the ones that leave you blind to why it is said in the first place.
My parents believe precaution is better than cure. It is because they cannot stand to watch me suffer or struggle. But I believe that struggle is part of the journey and the earlier it is, the better it will be for your personality to take shape as you step into the real world.
Don’t get me wrong. There are families where children feel uncared for and are at the very other end of the spectrum. I don’t mean to be harsh to them in any way by complaining about how people care me too much. I am grateful for what I have but I guess it is human nature to find fault and not stay contented which is why I am being nit picky about my already positive situation.
Maybe I will look at this article 30 years later thinking to myself how flawed and short sighted my argument might seem, but if there is anything I can conclude from looking at my peers, it is that early exposure kills the competition as you are on an entirely different league and spectrum.
Strange?
We are yet to arrive at the core of this write up but the analysis of caring is important. This is because I am going to introduce you to the upbringing of my friend.
Towards the end of my freshman year at college, I had to opportunity to visit a few colleges and to attend events. Being the overly protective kid, I had my tickets pre-booked but for some reason my Dada asked us to figure out a train from one college to the next in the night. I am not sure if it was his way of saying ‘You wanted challenge? Go figure out how to get to the next college on your own’ or if he genuinely felt that would be easier than pre-booking.
Anyhow, I was not too tensed as I was going with two classmates so I knew we could together figure it out. I did however take extensive notes on how to travel to college from the stations as somewhere inside I was afraid of finding myself in a position where I am hesitant to ask for help but need help (remember I am still afraid of being rejected when asking for help).
We went as per plan but met another friend from another class at a college — a bit out of plan. Lets say his name if XYZee. So XYZee tells us that catching a train to the next college would take forever and so intercity bus would be the best option.
Now as you might have guessed, my legs were shaking at the thought f traveling by bus. I still had not figured out how to travel on bus on my own and here XYZee wants us to tag along to the next college quite late in the night.
He seemed quite confident and so we tagged along. We had a little bit of running to do but when we got the bus, it was quite calm. It was then that I got to learn more about XYZee’s upbringing — and the revelation it had about my life.
XYZee was also from a well to do family. However, he was quite a rebel and would go for events at school. His passion for chess took him to several cities across the state and as a result, he got to travel at a very young age. He admitted feeling scared to cross boundaries with friends in 5th grade but those experiences made him fall in love with the art of travelling. Now, travelling is his second nature and he can manage any situation, even if you throw him in the middle of Sahara dessert (I guess).
You see, XYZee could have given up and told his parents to make arrangements but he kept a deaf ear to such options and took small yet predictable leaps of faith — eventually building his confidence and self — reliance from a very young age. After this journey, I closely followed him online and was surprised to see that even when he visited other countries in his vacation, he would stick to this decide on the go spirit! In fact, I remember seeing a photo of him climbing up a pillar of a tall bridge along with a foreigner whom he easily befriended.
I could never do something like that. I could partially blame it to my introvert-ish personality yet my upbringing might play a vital role too. My parents have tried their best to help me come out of my shell and interact with people but those were quite direct orders and not indirect results (like talking to distant relatives at family meetings). I do not blame my parents for that though — they are yet again the result of their upbringing. The only way to break out of the loop is by learning from ones own experiences and taking the essence in ones life — bringing me back to the point why I oppose my Dads advice (again, for most scenarios).
Soon thereafter came my chance to reveal my upbringing. He kind of figured out I was not quite an explorer from my awkwardness to travel in a bus. If I remember correctly, he found it amusing to hear how I still struggle to travel by bus. When he was done listening to it all, this is the advice that he gave me:
Always talk to people. They can help only if you open up. Talk to strangers and you’ll discover a lot in life
Now this took me aback — I won’t deny.
XYZee went on to explain how he would always try to strike a conversation with co-passenger on his numerous rides, and each experience was like reading a new book — you get to reflect and interact with another script.
I told him how I find the very thought of it to be scary and that I could never muster the courage to do so. He might have said something to help me believe in the opposite but I can say it did not work that night. In fact, after he got down at his stop, I did not think much of our conversation for a year or two.
But my subconscious mind seemed to have got the motors running and unknowingly I started to see through XYZee’s lens.
Uncanny!
Recently, when I came over to Trivandrum for my internship, I sat next to someone who looked about my age and was reading The Alchemist by Paulo Coehlo. I had already ready that book and was intrigued to see someone traverse the same path as I did. I wanted to start talking to him but did not have the courage to initiate.
Finally I settled for the most awkward option: Hi!
And guess what? It worked!
We spoke for almost two hours and I got to learn a lot about him. I was yet again surprised by his commendable exposure and technical prowess to go for national and international events. We even exchanged numbers and after he left, I sat back feeling enriched.
Two weeks later, I was again on a train to Trivandrum but this time everyone was on their electronic devices. I too would have resorted to that but my battery was low. I had a strong urge to talk to someone close to my age but they were either far away or cut out of the world with their head phones. I even considered talking to the couple sitting in the adjacent seats but then brushed aside the option when I realized how awkward it might feel.
I returned home, wishing I spoke to someone. When I spoke to my Dad about this, he strongly expressed his disapproval. He mentioned a lot of points:
- Don’t talk to strangers. You don’t know their intentions.
- Even friendly people tend to be unreliable.
- There has been a case of a well dressed Malaysian thief who would live in 5 star hotels but steal bags on trains. He was eventually caught however.
He clearly said that I was better of not talking to anyone — or rather, just put on headphones and cut myself out of this world as well.
You see what is happening here? In the fear of being cheated, we are creating a layer of distrust upon which we prevent the possibility of conversations and new learnings.
I understand my Dad’s concerns. But this was the point when I recollected XYZee’s advice. These were conflicting and both had valid reasoning backing it. This is how I can visualize the problem to the best of my understanding:
So there are green an red arrows. The green ones lead you to have conversation with good people while red ones make you regret interacting with bad people who wish to harm you.
According to my Dad’s advice, all arrows are red. No one is good and living that hypothesis is worth risking the chance of mingling with good hearted people.
You see, in the case of Figure #1, my Dad wants me to be safe and so tells to me have a lose of 80% just to avoid the faulty 20%.
My Dad would say, when you are in an unknown surrounding, you have to judge people on parameters such as appearance, behaviour, mannerism etc. What if your judgement gets you in trouble? So better ask questions that force you to distrust everyone and confine to oneself.
For XYZee, however, all the arrows are green. He believes you should take risk and talk to every kind of person you encounter. That way, even if you get cheated by the 20% (which might be some heavy loss), you still benefit from the 80%.
Now you might think I side with XYZee but I know blindly doing that is also dumb. If that 20% risk is someone who wants to injure me physically and impair my future prospects, I don’t want to risk it. If that 20% risk, however, is losing my belongings as the person steals it, though I might feel bad for the rest of my life, at least I am alive and hopefully can re-build what I lost.
The above arguments first half it probably my Dad’s point and the second half is my reply to him. He would probably force me to submit to his rule of taking no risk.
But then ask yourself: What is the purpose of life? Make money, live with family, and depart knowing finite?
Or take risk? Discover new prospects? Make lifelong memories?
XYZee was not the only one to tell me this. I have heard the story of world travelers and they all said our biases fall apart when we realize the world is intrinsically good. Now some might say the world travellers who were cheated on the way probably never made it to the stage to tell their experience and you might be right but if life is always going to be this risky, which side of the spectrum would you like to be at?
Talk to strangers or is it uncanny?
I understand both XYZee’s and my Dad’s point of views. I have been quite conflicted about which one to pick for the last couple of weeks but today finally my uncle from the US helped me decide.
I asked: Uncle, is it not recommended to talk to strangers in the US?
He said: Well, most people are nice but you should be smart to know when to stop a conversation and how to stand your ground if things don’t go right.
And that is the exact point. Don’t talk to strangers is a good advice for children because they don’t have the experience or are naive to detect when they are getting cheated. When you grow, however, you should ideally be able to assess your environment and see if it is worth having a conversation. And if you do have a deep conversation with someone, you should not be naive to lose your focus and be tricked in between.
If any problem happens to children, the parents are to blame for not teaching them the supposed ‘right’ values. But little do people realize that values must change as you grow up and become more experienced in the game of life.
Conclusion
Sorry Dad. I understand why you give that advice but life is short and I want to ensure I gain a lot of experience from taking risk in life. I might make mistakes in between. I might make short sighted decisions. But I pray that God might give me the wisdom and guidance to understand when to follow the ordinary path and when to take the path less taken.
I only hope that when I take risk and mess up, you forgive me and give me a second chance. This world might indeed be a wicked place but I would like to be naive and follow XYZee’s illusive reality of utopia and talk to as many people as possible.
It is not easy. I won’t go on a talking spree tomorrow. But I truly believe everyone is intrinsically good and if this naive hope about the world we live in gets me in great loss, I hope it happens after I gain a lot from the green arrows so that life seems more bearable and worthwhile.
